Rising and falling, warm

Nestled in pink, brown, yellow flesh

Flushed with pulsating crimson coursing beneath the surface

Throb to power rhythm, flow of survival

Stark white framework

Impending artifact

The form, suddenly uniform

Each shell held independence

A unique path, now reduced to dust

Who decides I pursue the life of less?

What enchantment leads to this tragic destination?

When do I accept the small destiny, the miniature existence?

Where do I claim the forever failure of my girlhood to rule the world, the stage, the word?

How do I desire the gleam of that lacking the glitz and glamour?

Will you tell me that once I have kids I’ll understand?

Will that be your next lie?

Will you tell me that I need to be realistic?

That I need to settle, to marry

That I must procreate to find meaning

I am not be content to leave a mere pile of bones

I am here for a purpose, alive for a reason

Oh, what’s that?

You shake your heavy head at my folly

You say I search for meaning in a world with none

Your disbelief is your burden, not mine

A journey with a lofty destination is far more fulfilling than one going nowhere

You shall see

I’ll get somewhere, be someone

Not frivolous and without weight

I’ll be an illuminator of dark places

Those you ignore and wish away

I wandered the hallways of a chrome land with my tired limbs dragging. Each step was agony and I struggled to keep my eyelids open. Every time I stopped to rest, all I was presented with were hard chrome corners and frigid steel benches. None of the surfaces were soft or inviting.

I continued my journey and just when I thought I could not move another inch I rounded a corner and before me lay mountains of colossal downy pillows. Feathers rained lightly like the finest snow flurry. My knees buckled and I fell into the pile which curled around me like the embrace of a lover. I succumbed to sleep, the chrome above me faded into the palest blue with picturesque clouds bouncing from one billow to the next.

I awoke from fully refreshed and renewed. I pulled myself to a standing position and waded through the sea of fluff. I glimpsed a ship in the distance I made my way towards the craft and planned my adventure to the next port. I crossed four seasons in one day on my journey to the ship. Many times I looked back over my shoulder in longing to the bed that had granted me rest prior to the trek. I froze in the winter of that day and baked in the summer; through the autumn and fall, I wept tears of frustration. I kept moving forward and only allowed myself a few more backwards glances. As the ship filled my horizon, my limbs grew heavy once more and the ground, covered with stones and brambles, offered no solace to my weary soul.

Once I reached the ship, I collapsed onto the thorny soil in defeat. The ship was not a ship at all; it had merely been a mirage. There was nothing there, no water, no vessel to carry me from this place. The grey sky of my sorrow grew darker and rain began to fall. Large, angry drops beat into the back of my skull and stung my exposed flesh. I tried to pull myself up, to run, to find shelter, but my limbs would not obey, my lips parted and my throat tried to push forth a scream of agony, yet no sound issued forth. Just as suddenly as the torrent began, it stopped.

A cheerful sun broke through the once dark sky, illuminating tranquil sand dunes all around me. I felt a whoosh of air and a cloud dipped from the sky and scooped me up like an infant, cuddling my dripping shivering body in the warm opulence of its folds.  Once again I succumbed to sleep. This time content in knowing my journey had reached its end and I was at peace.

Family is what you find when you fear you’ve been abandoned and you discover there are wings to your stage.

Family is there waiting to take you by the hand and lead you to a lighter place.

Family is the aspect of relationships that allows you to feel worse about yourself and better than you ever dreamed, all in the same breath.

Family is the comfy blaze at then end of a long hard journey and the aching absence in the silence of the coldest night.

Family is more painful than anything, yet family is the one thing holding you together when your pieces scream to burst at the seams.

Family is the loathing in your spirit, the thorn in your side and the ache in your chest.

Family is the freedom to become who you’ve dreamed and the springboard for realization of your destiny.

Family stands behind you, before you and beside you.

Family is your damnation and your salvation

Family is your freedom, gilded cage and iron prison.

Family is all and nothing, alpha and omega, war and peace, beginning and end.

Family is forever, let’s give thanks.

In the past 4 days I have written three articles for publication,  3 essays (each 8+pgs) and a short screenplay, I have edited 17 pieces of my classmates work, read three novels and two feature-length articles. When I leave work today I will have worked 40 hours… It’s time for a vacation. Some people do this shit with kids… I don’t get it. Well, hello Mr. Breaking Point, I didn’t realize I had reached you. ~J

“Who shall measure the heat and violence of the poet’s heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body” – Virginia Woolf

Sometimes the innards of my brain feel all mashed together and jumbled.

It makes me want to scream or cry or throw something. I feel like I have too many words in my head, that I must retrieve somehow. In an effort to release the pressure, yet they are all in a spot that I cannot quite reach.

It is hard for me to get the words out to talk to people and to carry on conversations, so I tend to stare. Even at those speaking directly to me. As I try to find the proper expressions to ease their needs, so they stop trying to force interaction.
When I am in this space, I feel like everyone around me is yelling or demanding far too much. When people tell me stories I want to cry out “PLEASE STOP! I have too many words in my head and you are trying to jam more on top of the mess that is constantly growing.”

Like a closet in a comedy sketch where the door opens and a deluge of crap comes flying out. Then slowly a canoe rests on top of the pile as though it was there all along. This is usually the punch line, such a silly punch line. Who stores canoes indoors?  Much less in a pile atop coats and wrapping paper, that’s not realistic.

I enjoyed a comfortable Southern California upbringing and have always efficiently utilized connections to procure employment. Always overpaid for the work I have done, I tend to find myself in the finance world. I had never truly struggle until the recession came to play. Laid off and unable to find work, I was still comfy with a large severance (1 month pay) and not realizing what was nits way September of 2008, I blew through the money continuing to spend like I always had, comfortable in the knowledge that jobs were not hard to find. 2 years later, I have truly learned my lesson. For the first time, when there is no money, there is no money. However, I somehow found the resources to purchase a new iPhone (3gs, not 4) last month, and the Apple store, which is the ground floor of my building, is always full. Down the block, there is a constant line at the Abercrombie and Fitch Flagship and a girlfriend of mine working in a trendy high-priced west village café said they were at capacity every night, and she has never felt the recession.

There has been a brutal onslaught of tourists in the city this summer, and the subways are constantly packed. Where is this recession? I feel it, it is affecting my life daily as I struggle to make ends meet and worry about the occasional splurge. However, as I look around, seeing fabulous bags and shoes on chic New Yorkers, and wait for a table to become available during brunch, I wonder how it is that they are doing it.

Then I look down and realize, that I too am eating out and carrying a purse I should probably sell to make next month’s rent. Though my shoes are falling apart, I have taken pains to fill in the scratched and cracked bits with a sharpie so they look brand new. I have gotten good and doing my hair so that you cannot really tell that the ends are like something out of a Tim Burton sketch.

Is this the secret? Have we as a society decided that even though the recession rages on and a number of our friends if not our selves are not gainfully employed we are going to carry on as though everything is hunky dory? It seems we are trying to force this beast out of existence by deciding it is no longer relevant, like the mullet or the fanny pack.

Have we decided that the recession is no longer in, no longer news? If we as a unified population begin to spend as though we are no longer in a recession; if we choose to behave as though we are no longer afraid; no longer penny pinching as we should; will we force the flailing economy back in the black? Will our failure to behave properly be the thing that stimulates the market and thrusts us towards recovery? Who knows? Not me, that is for sure. I do know that something needs to happen. I say we elect Steve Jobs as president, his running mate, Bill Gates. These guys seem to be getting something right, perhaps they’ll teach us a thing or two.

Knowing
it depends on you
Trusting
strength will see us through
Allowing
for big failures too
Well into this life…

Warming
though I seem cold
Struggling
down this rocky road
Remarking
at our astounding growth
Into this life…

Healing
demon screams subside
Harmonizing
we relinquish pride
Celebrating
walking side by side
Into this life…

Well into this life.

Reach in to recover
Flesh out just to deign
Of all my nightmares you’re the most sane

Roll out and I’m working
Stop short as you like
Give all to please you, still nothing is right

Find love where it meets you
Find love in your name
Find love on the record, you’ve flipped to play again

You’re in, you’re over
You’re out, you’re new
You’re all about nothing
I guess you sold out too

Try next time to hold it
Try harder to stay
At some point you’ll realize not a thing is real these days

Step one you can’t see it
Step two it’s all rage
Step three you accept that you’ll never be there again

Step four you’ll find love
Step five you’ll regret
I keep on forgetting at which step it’s time to quit…

Things

Things

Things

Flat screen TV’s, designer labels, premium high-speed ultra saturated DVD Blue ray hypersonic, psychedelic, sparkly, shiny, gleaming, glowing, gooey let down.

At the end disappointment is all that remains. When you have all of these things (No one ever has it all) you find first the things that are lacking. Societies, the media, those we have around us, are the first to point out our shortcomings. That is unless you are in a really healthy place and you have upright citizens all around you. I am not one of those. I have found there is a lot of negativity surrounding me, and that just will not do.

I don’t need it; life is way too damn short to constantly try to jazz up the parade that is keeping everyone else miserable. I want to surround myself with people who are truly happy, that have a thirst for life and a voracious appetite for adventure.

I paint, draw, sing and dance, I like music, art and film. Languages, books and works of art fascinate me (even if it is a urinal a la Duchamp). These things enrich life and have added much depth, love, laughter and value to my existence.

I have owned very nice things, very, very nice things. I have lost and given away thousands of dollars of jewelry, clothing and designer bags. For the simple fact that once I got home, they really didn’t mean anything. Stuff is just stuff, and you really can’t take it with you. It does not complete you, rather it burdens you.

As I stand on the verge of taking a monumental step in my life, hinge myself to another and enter into a commitment of respect and fidelity, it’s slowly dawning on me that all the little moments that have meant so much in the past, really did not depend on the clothes I was wearing, the shoes that were pinching my throbbing toes or whether the plate in front of me was prepared by a Michelin starred chef. Those things are all extraneous, truly unimportant and really not real anyway.

Rather than chase the ideal, I suggest that we stop and find what is truly most important in our lives, work on enriching the lives we touch and in turn do a little spring cleaning of our souls. You decide your own worth and of the things scattered around you. How about we try that on for size?

Good God – anything to take your mind off of this heat, right?